FFIX: Counterpoint songfic.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: In response to the fics I've wrote that detracted on FFIX, I decided to write one based on the one thing that the game has on all other FF games.(Well, that and the fact that every Final Fantasy 9-related fic I've done has led to hits that 90% of you coul


INT. A sidewalk in front of a TV store. The females from FFVIII are talking. Garnet is on the screen.   
  
Oh my god  
Selphie, look at her butt  
It is so big  
She looks like she's some sort of Jabba the Hutt wanna-bee  
Is she even 5 feet tall?  
I bet Zidane screws her and then goes to laugh about it with his friends...  
I mean her butt  
It's just so big  
I can't believe it's so huge...  
She's just...let herself go...  
I mean, it's gross  
Look, she's just so...fat...  
  
Suddenly, Zidane enters the screen.  
  
I like big butts and I can not lie  
The other FF fans can't deny  
That when girls walk on-screen with an itty bitty waist  
Putting nothing in your face  
They get sprung  
Can't even play tough  
When they'll never get that stink-face stuff,(points to Garnet)  
Even in that hoodie she's wearing  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring  
Oh, Garnet, I wanna get with ya   
And take your picture  
Those Eight boys tried to warn me  
But that butt you got made  
Me so horney  
Ooh, that'd be a good screw  
You say you wanna be in my crew?  
Well use me use me 'cause I have weaknesses for plus-sized groupies  
  
I've seen her dancin'   
Don't need romancin'  
All that Sweat, wet, showing off before we've formally met  
  
I'm tired of other games  
Saying flat butts are the thang  
Take the average Nine man and they'll tell you that  
She gotta pack much back, So...  
  
FF dudes (yo?) FF dudes (yo?)  
Your love interests got the butt (hell no!)  
So, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that big fat butt  
Garnet got back  
  
(East LA face with an Oakland booty)  
  
I like'em wide and big  
And when I'm stealing some shit  
I just can't help myself  
I'm actin like a GF,  
Ain't PC 'cause I'm so def...  
  
I wanna get her home  
And --, double up -- --  
Ain't got graphics like Dreamcast,  
All those bits can't make a decent ass!  
I want em real, thick and juicy  
So gimme that big fat double,  
Zidane is in trouble  
Beggin for a piece of that bubble  
So I'm lookin' at RPG promos  
Skinny-ass bimbos acting like hos  
You guys have them bimbos  
I'll keep picking up women at Ho Jo  
A word to the thickest sistas  
I wanna get with ya  
I might cuss and hit ya  
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna --  
Til the break of dawn  
Zidane got it goin on  
A lot of players won't like this song  
Cuz them dudes lie to see it and beat it  
But I'd rather stay and play  
My tail's long, and I'm strong,  
And I wanna get deep friction on  
  
So ladies (yeah?), Ladies (yeah?)  
So what if my game plays like Hades?  
Just come over,  
Stick it out,  
Even VIII fans got to shout  
Garnet got back  
  
(East LA face with the Oakland booty)  
  
Yeah baby...  
When it comes to females...  
Smithee don't got nothing to do with my selections...  
34-20-34?  
Only if she's 4'3"  
  
Your love interest ain't built like a Honda?  
Uses those workouts like Jane Fonda?  
But they need an SUV to pass for their Honda  
My monkey tail don't want none unless you've got buns hon  
Don't need side bends or sit-ups, only need to back that up!  
Some fans wanna play those old games   
And tell you that the butt's gotta go,  
So they toss it, or return it  
I pull up before they just burn it,  
So Smithee thinks you're fat  
Well I ain't down with that  
Your waist is large, but it makes your curves kickin  
Why're you thinking about sticking  
To the beanpole dames in the other games?  
She aint it miss thing  
Give me this sista I can't resist her  
Red beans and rice never miss her  
Other guys try talking shit  
So I take them and drain the points Hit,  
A good game, but he chose to diss it,  
He pulled up too quick to dismiss it!  
'Cause ladies if the butt's mad hot  
And you wanna give Zidane some twat,  
I'll come over, roll you in flour, and just aim for the wet spot..  
Our gal got back...   
  
  
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FFIX Counterpoint Songfic  
(alternate title: Princess Garnet looks like my Middle-Aged Bull Dyke Half-Sister)  
Original music: Sir Mix-A-Lot  
Redone by the Great One, the Sephiroth of the Songfic, the ICON, Alan Smithee  
Comments welcome, flames? Try it... 


End file.
